Thursday, November 19, 2009

scary times (with a happy ending and a rant)

Today (october 2) was my first appointment with dr. p. I went in there feeling pretty normal and no major concerns. I've been having a lot of cramps, but no spotting or bleeding, so I just figured we were fine. As soon as the dr. started the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. There was nothing there. :( The lining of my uterus is thick and there is a tiny black dot, which could potentially be a sac for the baby in the near future, but we can't be sure right now. So now we wait. It's possible my dates are off and I'm not as far along as I thought, but it's also possible I was pregnant and there is no longer a viable baby in there and I'm just waiting for the miscarriage to begin. There is nothing my doctor can do right now. So we all just wait. I go back on October 23 to recheck everything. My doc is going to be out of town next week otherwise I'd go back sooner. It's hard not to stress, but I also know there is nothing I can do either way, so I'm trying to put it in God's hands.

I had another doctor appointment on Friday and got some good news. He did another ultrasound and there was a baby with a strong heartbeat. YAY! I spent the last 3 weeks worrying and trying to figure out if I was sick with some terrible virus, or if I was having morning sickness, so I feel like I can breathe now. Of course we are still nervous, and will be for the health of this baby for the rest of our lives, but I'm hoping after I have another appointment in 4 weeks and hear the baby's heartbeat I'll be able to relax even more. Oh, and my due date has changed to June 2, 2010, which was Nathan's due date, and is one day before his birthday.
(I wrote this next part and was just honest about my feelings. I know a lot of you won't like it or get it, but it's the real me. Sorry!)
Now I just have to figure out how to tell everyone. I have to be honest that I know we are not going to get a lot of "Congratulations, that's so exciting!" responses from people, especially our family members, which really just sucks. Instead we're going to hear a lot of, "Holy cow! Are you guys crazy? But your done now right?" type of responses. It makes me sad and angry that people can't be excited about another addition to our family and someone else to love. We're not on welfare, we can afford our bills and provide for our family, and don't rely on other people to care for our kids, so I don't understand all the negativity around such an awesome gift of a child.

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