This is something I really don't post about, because it's sad, and I hate to be a downer, but I just felt like I couldn't let today go by and say nothing. For those who don't know, 15 years ago today, my dad died. I really can't even remember how I felt when I found out. I was only 10, and to be honest no one had really prepared my brother or I that dad was really that sick. I really think they told us the night before that the doctors felt there was nothing else they could do, and the next morning he was gone. Don't get me wrong, he had cancer, and we knew it, and we got that he was really sick, but I know I had no idea he was going to die until then.
At the time I didn't really understand all that he and I were going to miss out on. But as I got older I realized he would never know me as an adult, he wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle, and he wouldn't get to be a grandpa. I know he'd have been a great Papa too! I hate that he is missing out on so much with my kids, and that they will never know him, at least not the way they deserve to know him. I am thankful that we have such a big family, and everyone loved him and has great memories to share with us about him. He really was a great man that everyone loved being around.
Sadly I am not the only one in my family to lose a parent way too soon, and when my uncle died, my cousin asked me when it would get better. All I could tell her was that it doesn't get better, it just gets different. You learn to live and go on without them, but you never forget or get over them not being there. There are still days I miss my dad more than I probably should, and all I can think about is how much it sucks that he isn't here with us. And then there are days that it almost seems completely normal to be living this life without him.
I can only hope he is looking down at us, and is proud of who I've become. I certainly didn't take all the "right" paths to get here, but I'm happy with how it all turned out, and I hope my dad would be too.