Monday, July 19, 2010

Big Fatty fattness

That's how I feel right now. I want to punch every first time mom who popped out a baby and a week later slipped their pre-pregnancy pants on effortlessly. I will be honest and admit that I have never been able to fit back into my pre-Emma clothes. NOPE, not EVER! After having Emma I lost all but about 10 pounds right away, and that's where my body stayed until I got pregnant with Nathan. With Nathan I gained a lot more weight, so I had more to lose, and of course, never got off my lazy butt to lose all of it. After Megan I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight quickly, but I still had a lot more to lose. I did great losing the weight, but even getting the numbers on the scale back to where they were before I got pregnant with Emma, I was unable to wear the same size. Seriously, when I got pregnant with Emma I wore a size 5 or 7 depending on the clothes. After Megan and I lost all the weight, the best I could do in pants was a 10. I was super stoked when for Laura's wedding I got to order a size 8 dress, and it fit perfectly, but seriously a size 8 in pants just wasn't happening.
After all that I got pregnant with Jackson and I gained a lot that pregnancy (something about those boys I guess), and after having him I lost a lot easily, but then stalled with a decent amount left to lose, and I never made myself do the work to lose it all. When he was 9 months old I got pregnant again and swore I was not going to gain a ton of weight. My body doesn't like to listen though, and I still gained about 35 pounds, even though I should only have gained 15 since I was overweight to begin with. (Weird note here that I really did gain about 35 with all three girls, and about 50 with both boys. I find it odd that happened and wonder if I'm the only one like that)
Anyway, now that Brooklyn is 7 weeks old, and I am still hovering around that initial 20 pound loss that I achieved after about 2 weeks, I'm disgusted at myself. I hate how I look in clothes, and in swimwear, and especially in my birthday suit. I am still wearing maternity pants and shorts because not even my "fat" clothes fit me right now.
The image in my head of how I should look, definitely does not match how I really look. I feel bad for my husband that this is definitely not the person he met, fell in love with, and married. I cannot believe that I graduated high school wearing a size 1 jeans (admittedly that was too skinny though and I looked sick), and here I am almost 10 years later and I am this huge person now.
So, a change is coming. It will not happen overnight, or all at once, and I will not be the perfect picture of health and fitness, but I will be better.
Stay tuned for more of my journey. :)

1 comment:

  1. I think that every Mama can feel your pain! Try not to worry too much about the numbers and marvel in what your body has accomplished! Us women are meant to have fat on our gives babies and hubbies something to hold onto! :o)